“Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”‭‭

Philippians‬ ‭3:13-14‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Transformation is like a glacier: what people see versus what is actually happening are 2 distinct situations. It’s always deeper and more complicated than what folks can look at and pint to. No one’s knows the cross I took up to follow Jesus; certainly no one knows how I crucify my flesh willingly and daily. They simply see the outside show that looks like success when I’m bleeding in my stilettos.

Adonai is kind, mkay?

Every year, I take inventory of where I was and where I am. Sometimes I grow exponentially in one area while I see slow progress in another. I count it all joy, and keep documenting who I am in the Lord—where He has brought me from and to and into. Despite the lows, the tears, and the struggle, I thank God for the lifting of my head.

I used to do this on Facebook but it is 5 years long. So WordPress it is.

Things I’m leaving behind this year:

• Imbalance in my relationships, work life, and walk with the Lord
• Not being bold in the Lord
• Speaking the truth without love
• Wrath and all its works
• Self sabotage created out of self doubt
• Not accepting help

One of the things I am being realistic and honest about is that much of my previous lists are still “in progress”. I am learning to recognize that I have not yet apprehended and to stop faking the funk about it. The reality is this: all these things are tied to my faith in God. Faith in God produces the perfecting that generates wholeness in me. So long as I am in progress, I am being successful in Christ.

Meanwhile: here are the things I’m still working on from years past:

• the spirit of poverty and all of its works
• the belief that I am not worthy
• the frozenness that comes with not believing I am worthy
• agreeing to do things that don’t serve the will of God
• thinking more than I am doing
• Making myself indispensable
• Feeling guilty about how I feel

Everything else below the line is my past. Feel free to read at your own leisure and discretion. Perhaps there are some things on my lists that you are working on or feel led to work toward. Whatever the case? I encourage you to take stock of where you are and how you are so that the Lord’s Spirit might lead and guide you into the truth of WHO and HOW and WHERE God has called you to be.

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Things I left behind in 2020:

• making myself small to make others feel secure
• regret
• rehearsing my past
• being disconnected
• emotional lack
• the spirit of heaviness
• not being intentional
• not setting goals for my visions and dreams
• not exercising
• not demanding my value from EVERYBODY and ANYBODY

Things I left behind in 2019:

• pretending to be further along than I am
• the spirit of fear
• the spirit of confusion
• the spirit of poverty and all of its works
• the belief that I am not worthy
• the frozenness that comes with not believing I am worthy
• putting more effort into others (including my job) than myself
• the unbelief that I shouldn’t have wealth
• the passive nature of my life

Things I left behind in 2018:

• not being in the complete will of God for my life
• sinful anger
• victim mentality
• terrible financial management
• agreeing to do things that don’t serve the will of God
• thinking more than I am doing
• the spirit of rejection and all its effects
• offense, bitterness, and strife

Looking back: I absolutely left behind my victim mentality. I am in the process of healing the broken child I’ve been for so long. I have a plan—that after much fear and confusion and self rejection—I am beginning to put into place. Y’all saw the starts and stops. 2020 is the year of going no matter what. I have forgiven, and forgiven, and forgiven some more. God. Myself. Everybody. Every day. All the time. No more running aground in my my feelings for months before coming to myself. I’m trying to never leave my Father’s side. Never leave the seat I have in heavenly place in Christ.

Things I left behind in 2017:

• hesitating when God tells me to do something
• feeling conflicted about the path I’ve chosen
• not being intentional about my time
• making excuses about my health
• not exercising
• not demanding my value from EVERYBODY and ANYBODY

Things I gave up in 2016:

• Centering life around whiteness
• Being a deliberate misanthrope
• Censoring myself to make others comfortable
• Being completely tactless
• Having a terrible morning attitude
• Sacrificing my wellbeing
• Taking work home
• Making myself indispensable
• Feeling guilty about how I feel

Looking back: I did most of this. I am still not a person who likes to talk in the morning, but my attitude has improved.

What are you leaving behind? ✌🏾

#selah #finishstrong