Do you know what it is like to spend your entire life having your thought life arrested? Like, having everyone important in your life question and sometimes outright deny the validity of the soundness of your judgment and feelings and experiences? To be told that you’re too sensitive. Too much. Too little. Too imaginative. Too assertive. Too deep. Too intense. Too quiet. Too thoughtful. Too needy. Too everything of who you are?
The only places where people could not touch me, where I could be safe was at school and in books. Nobody could bother me at school. Nobody could take what I knew from me. And yes. I have had many, many, many people tell me how smart I am. How talented I am. How good I am at all that I do. But listen. There is something so devious and strategic about the devil attacking a child’s mind. To keep you from being able to make an actual decision because everybody questioned everything you did and saw and said and wanted as wrong and inherently bad and in need of fixing or hiding. I have felt like one big pile of shame and confusion.
That is why I teach, why I work with disadvantaged children, why I spend so much time tussling with them and their emotional state. Because I know what it feels like to not be certain of your own mind. And even in my still discombobulated state of being, I have always known that if I could give them the experience of an adult saying, “You are not crazy. How you feel is just how you feel. What you want is what you want. You can pursue that career. Go after that dream! It’s okay,” then I could change the course of some child’s life. That they could always lean back on the fact that Mrs. Spencer loves them and said that who and how they are was okay.
Now the left turn.
It has been quite a challenge to fight my own mind. To start to get down in my own belly that God didn’t give me that spirit, and that I don’t have to carry that double mindedness anymore. That I can actually make a decision and not panic. That I can choose—and even if I make a mistake, I CHOSE.
A literal fight.
Some of y’all got the same fight and don’t realize that the enemy been gaslighting you through the people you love the most your whole life, too. That you haven’t made a move because you couldn’t. You’re befuddled. Because your thoughts were arrested long long time ago. People, in their need to maintain comfortable space for themselves, confirm the thoughts that you have that maybe you are crazy or maybe you aren’t as good as or as smart as or as ready as you know deep down you are. You’ve talked yourself out of excelling even while you spend your excellence or any and everybody or thing else. Because you aren’t sure. You don’t feel sure. Your mind is unsettled.
Let me encourage you.
We sing a song in the church that says:
My hope is built
On nothing less
Than Jesus blood
I dare not trust
The sweetest frame
But wholly lean on
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking stand.
How profound is that?
This song marks out for you the stabilizing power of Jesus Christ. To put your hope, your trust, your weight—both to lean and to stand—is the only way to no longer be dragged about, torn between 2 and 3 and 4 uncertain opinions.
You are gonna have to FIGHT yourself, and in doing so? Crucify the flesh so that the knowing Christ can do the work of sublimating the false narratives implanted in your mind . The strongest of strongholds can only be brought under subjection to the knowledge of Jesus Christ. The POWER you need? It’s the Spirit of Christ. The LOVE you need? It’s the WORD OF GOD, which is Christ. The SOUND MIND you need? It’s the Mind of Christ.
Notice the trend here?
Maybe you can’t stand at first. Maybe all you can do is crawl to the altar and lay hold to the horn of your salvation. DO THAT! I’ve been there. Laying on the floor, my very thoughts becoming tangible voices flying in my face, attacking me with the sound of the voices of people whom I loved whose validation or appreciation I desired. But as I lay there weeping, it was the SPIRIT OF CHRIST that covered me, and the WORD OF GOD that rose up in me. The POWER of God kept my mind, and rather than choosing to agree with the lies I’d internalized? I chose to agree with God.
In His Presence is Our Peace.
Today. Today. Today. Come out of agreement with the words that have destabilized you—no matter where they came from. Begin to stand on the word of God. Seek to know God’s love for you, the character and principles of Elohim. And then stand.