I try to keep it a clear and smooth 💯 at all times cuz I believe telling the truth and being my authentic self is key to me being a good kingdom citizen and representation of the body of Christ. So I’m marking this day, May 22, 2022, as 126 days into a difficult road I’m on. Still walking, in fact. Stumbling might be more accurate terminology.
Now. Ordinarily, I don’t talk about myself until I’m close to the end.
But this ain’t that.
I have to pray my way and talk my way and weep my way.
Rage. What I feel is deep rage.
Rage that never abates, that fills me up like lungs deep down in the ocean where I can’t swim and no one is there to save me. It’s just me and my lungs full of salt and water. And the Holy Spirit because without His intervention? I’d be dead.
Sometimes? Sometimes I be mad at myself for even letting things get this far. And sometimes I’m mad at everybody else because how can you say you love and this is what I get? All the time? I am raging at what was and will never be. I’d not even had known it either, the simmering would have been a full on denial had it not been for the Lord cutting me off at the knees, forcing me to face pieces of myself that I’d hidden under the expansive ease of His word and His grace for understanding it.
He pulled me clean up out the ground and said: NOW. Deal with it now.
How else will I be able to step into the thing I’m supposed to do? I cannot do it with the monkey of rage clinging to my back.
So here am I. Praying my way through, full faith on Christ. Because anywhere else I step? It’s sinking sand.