So I promised myself that I would do more to enjoy myself, to value myself and love on myself, right? To find balance, cuz that was the word the Lord gave to me for 2022. Balance. And I had been QUITE the unbalanced mess outchea leaning too far into church and religion. Nothing wrong with it, understand that. It’s simply that God created me to be a certain KIND of influence—and I can’t be that influence if I’m forever chancing what other people think God wants or what I think they want me to be.
Get it? Balance. I gots to be palpable to all kinds, ya feel me? Be able to talk to kings and CEOS and philosophers just as easily as I chop it up with conspiracy theorists and conservatives and tree huggers and survivalists and gang bangers and kids and preachers. And I can. And I do. And it’s a fine line to walk, nowhatimean? Especially since I suffer from that disease called people pleasing.
I’m in recovery, difficult as it is married to an enabler who loves to be loved, loves for me to throw good money and time and effort after bad, can never be satisfied or filled or complete, is always chasing the next high of validation. I’m exhausted been running on fumes for years now and this past year I gave out! So God told me to sit and I did. I sat down on everybody about everything thing in the biggest huff you can imagine. Raging. It doesn’t help that perimenopause has come to stay.
So anyway! I was about to tell you how these plants are teaching me how not to be a people pleaser, and I’m getting to it, I promise. I had to set you up first, especially if you’re new here.
I’ve killed soooo many plants. So many. And not from neglect. I kill them because I do too much. Overwater. Over sunlight. Over pot. Over fertilize. Constantly hovering. Constantly touching. Constantly moving them. Repotting them. Sticking sticks in them. Washing the roots. Just. Doing too much. Why? Because I want to prove that I, too, can do the plants! That I too am capable of being a plant person, worthy of the title plant mom!
Baby, if you could have SEEN the gnats I fought for a whole year because of the over watering! We all suffered until I just gave up and put the plant outside. I finally had to repot all the plants, washing all the pots with soap and water, neem oil in all the pots. Then, new soil. But when I touched the roots? They were all mush. There was nothing there to grow.
And that was my lesson.
In every relationship I have as a people pleaser, I do too much. Me. I don’t let the other people do anything, don’t give the actual relationship a change to breathe and grow because I am too busy trying to prove that I, too, am worthy of relationship—I am worthy of love! I infantilize people, and when I need them? They have no root. No skin in the game. Nothing to give. Just mush.
So, with the new plants I had, I started with low stakes plants. In the picture below? I started with the jade, aloe, snake, and spider plant.
I kept them inside while it was cold during February, March, and most of April. I bit the bullet in April and repotted them all in better soil per the instructions in better containers then set them outside once the temps stopped dropping below 50 at night. I literally stopped watering them—only once every 2 weeks unless it rained. Then? I didn’t water them at all.
And do you know what? The only one that was even a little mad was the spider plant because it was getting too much direct sunlight! Everything else was flourishing! my aloe made 2 aloe babies. My jade? She just got a whole family going! My snake plant? Made one baby and got 4 inches taller! Because I let them be.
I stopped being the needy controlling one trying to show that I was worthy. In every area, every relationship of my life. I am learning how to just be.
It’s showing up, too. In my daughters, who are hitting a new stride. In the rockiness of my marriage, where we are currently playing a game of chicken that I am winning. In my school work. In my church life. In my friendships. Just because I hit a new level of chill.
It’s still rough. Cuz I want to prove my worth so bad it feels weird not to show people what I got. But I keep getting these reminders that bright lights be bright because they bright. Bright lights know they bright and don’t have to announce they bright—people notice them even when they try to act like they don’t. I am also noticing that when people really need help? They will ask for it—even if they are too proud to ask me. Folks are resilient that way. My job is to be available and willing within the scope of my capacity with love. That’s all.
Okay. That’s it for now! I need to go wash all this outside off me.