“I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.”

Jeremiah‬ ‭17:10‬ ‭KJV‬‬

To people who don’t know me—and maybe to people who do know my public face but don’t know me intimately—I prolly look like I’m super together. Nothing could be farther from the truth that is my truth and the truth which is God’s Holy infallible truth. In the words of Bishop TD Jakes, ya girl shawt. Zaccheus climbing up the sycamore tree trying to get Jesus to see me cuz I’m struggling all the time shawt. A full time IMPOSTER fighting IMPOSTER SYNDROME like nobody’s business. Wondering if folks can see who I really am under the parts they experience and deliberately engage.

Because my scars and pain are internal and not something I show like a tattoo, some might say (AND HAVE SAID): You are making up stuff to be “whatever about. You’re looking for something to be wrong. Chile nothing could be further from the truth that is true unto me! Why would I want something to be wrong? The wrong I be suffering from don’t do me no service—I mean it’s not like I get something from it. Ain’t no fancy testimony or nothing. I can’t really build a ministry or something from being…unsteady on my own 2 clumsy feet, ya feel me? It’s not like having God heal you of cancer or being delivered from drugs or overcoming something super traumatic like r*** or in**** or d******** v*********. Nah. It’s just me and my double-minded mess and my insecurities and my loneliness and my need for validation. You know, stuff that don’t pay but cost.

But I’m here to tell you that that’s okay , too.

Every sinful or weighty battle is not a public one; and every healing is not a physical one. And the Kingdom of God would be much more evident in the earth if people focused on the hidden things of their hearts, like the ones I wrestle into submission to the knowledge of Christ, and lay those on the altar just as fast as they do sexual sin or addiction and stuff like that.

God is a searcher and knower of the heart. He knows YOU! Are you a liar? Do you use people? Have you been publicly sweet and loving but unaffectionate at home behind close doors? Do you preach to others about the fruit of the spirit while yelling at customer service? Have you been mean and impatient instead of compassionate? Vain? Jealous? Withholding love? Do you secretly judge others? Are you jealous and insecure? Do you push your unreasonable unmet needs onto others instead of openly confessing them to the Master? Do you think you’re better than other people who have “sinned worse” than you? Do you think you deserve more grace than somebody else cuz you been in church longer or served more?

Cuz BA-BEEEE. Alllllodat right derrrr? That’s no different than anything else. See we don’t have to look for something to get fixed. It’s in there. Waiting for acknowledgment.

God knows your heart. So you better try to know it too. God sees all the things. And I’m not saying that so you can feel condemned or judged. I’m saying so that you can actually live the abundant life Jesus said we were supposed to have—instead of pretending like you are.