Vulnerability is a precious gift that we hide away when we are abused. I pray that we are all able to occupy that safe space fully and in love.
confession: I am still very afraid of sharing my feelings. I hate being rejected, and I have had too many people who supposedly love me tell me that my feelings mean nothing to them. So I try and sit on these feelings like a kid on Santa’s lap at mall Christmas kiosks. It be uncomfortable but I smile for the camera and pretend I believe the magic is real instead of just weird.
What happens next is that I find myself waking up in the wee hours of the morning overwhelmed. Crying. SOBBING. Because my body be saying, “no, hon, we not finna have cancer or dementia or uterine ANYTHING cuz you trying to live life emotionless for other folks. We trynna live to 100–that strong black woman mess will kill us.”
My body is a gangsta. I done figured out that holding my emotions ain’t the move. So at this point? I cry and yell and sometimes (more often than I ought I’m embarrassed to admit) cuss. Cuz turn down fuh what? So I can stroke out before I’m 50? I don’t think so bro.
Meanwhile, God is collecting my tears, and I am becoming strong in a different way. Strong like acknowledging my grief and fear and disappointment; strong like creating space that honors who God created me to be; and strong like overcoming the lasting effects of being gaslighted when I should have been embraced. I’m learning how to just be in whatever state I’m in and allow God to ease me that perfect peace. The knowing that this too shall pass—that I just got to keep pressing my way obediently and walking out the forgiveness. The recognition that I’m gone fall shawt—and that the Father give help me make up the distance. That the anointing brings the power of vulnerability. You cannot be anointed without the love of God because His love is demonstrated through mercy, and mercy is the result of having compassion, and having compassion is a sign of vulnerability.
How? Glad you asked. To be simple: vulnerability means you have both acknowledged and accepted the ways in which you aren’t good enough. And that God loves you anyway. With that in mind? You begin to recognize that hey! This isn’t just my story—it’s everybody story! We all so undeserving yet having been given this gift freely, who am I to hold anything against anyone?
Vulnerability is a precious gift that should be shared with the world beyond the bedroom.
That is all for today.