I’ve been struggling with so many things these past few weeks. Grief. Depression. Anxiety. Imposter Syndrome. Physical sickness.
I could give a long drawn out description of each category, but it basically boils down to the very rooted and very real “what if” that never goes fully away. It has been the epitome of gut wrenching and dream crushing, my soul tormented about all the things I will never be or see or do and fear trying to take away from me the things I can do.
I imagine that is always the point, right? To derail the destiny, distract the dreamer from the dream. Me chugging along these past few weeks with weight greater than my shoulders can bear, putting on the brace face as I miss mark after mark after mark. I am tired.
I made it through another week of work. Then I came home and sat. Soon as I stopped moving the Holy Spirit said, “Go to the doctor.” Two breaths and 5 coughing fits later, I left with a diagnosis and meds. And I lay back down.
Just for context, I made it through 3 weeks of what I assumed to be a sinus infection/cold before digging myself into the whole of bronchitis. When I say the band played on? I really mean it. I kept going when I should have sat down. Realllly sat down. Taken off work and all. Instead, I kept chasing the ghost of achievement and focused it all on an all consuming job that I am starting to regret because if I was gone feel successful anywhere it would be there, right? Wrong. I was failing there too, sick, overworked, overwhelmed, under appreciated, the mark set for me super high while the bar set for the district is super low. Once more and again, I have found myself pouring into bottomless pits. At home. At work. At school. At church.
And I was only chasing ghosts of achievement because nothing is settled in my life. My stuff is everywhere all over the place because I was trying to (for the last time) help my husband’s older kids. But being the people that they all are, they have no true appreciation for others giving, no respect of time, no gratitude for grace that people offer them (which, by the way, is slowly and surely dwindling because you can burn people only but so many times). So I’m discombobulated everywhere in all things, having moved out of my office to accommodate an adult child who has no idea what she wants or why.
So I put my foot down.
I demanded my space back, too. My husband currently occupies 2 rooms, one of which used to be an office that he don’t use that I gave up for him because he had a work from home job for 2.5 days. Now he is refusing to make any shifts. Which today, comes to an end for me. If nobody moves with intentionality? Then I will. And NOBODY will be happy.
And that’s fine by me at this point.
I am learning that some people cannot be helped. And I am doing more damage to myself when I try to help people who cannot be helped.
Period. So this week? I stop. I am no longer carrying the load on my back of other people’s inability to plan or put forth effort. God didn’t give me that to do. This cup got empty real quick, I am suffering for it. So here’s to me taking some advice I’m sure I’ve posted before:
I’m praying for my ownself today that God keep me from myself from here on out, trying to do for others what they cannot and will not choose for themselves. That whenever this device of the devil sits in front of me again? I can recognize it a LOT faster and not waste another moment of my time. In Jesus name. I pray I can hear clearly who I am supposed to help, and run fast from those that I desire to help but who unfortunately live out of the scope of God’s assignments for me. I refuse to interact with anymore delay. In Jesus name.