Depression ADHD: When my soul gets overwhelmed

That “A” in ADHD should also include anxiety and that “D”? Well at least one of them ought to mean depression cuz mines be on its RIHANNA, like “Baby! This is what you came forrrrr.”

Here’s how it goes:

I become overwhelmed trying to manage my tasks and times in a reasonable way but then my dopamine don’t be dopamining, so I get distracted by everything that isn’t what I ought to be doing. I literally be looking at my piles of things I need to accomplish and somehow still manage to watch hours pass me by. Meanwhile anxiety starts tap dancing on my heart muscle, I stress eat and binge watch Facebook Watch videos (cuz even TikTok becomes overwhelming), and I make plans to get caught up tomorrow.

Plot twist: tomorrow never comes.

Then I spiral into a pit of negative self talk about how unworthy I am, how I will never be successful, how I am not nearly as smart as what everybody think I am, and WA-LA! Magic! I’m lying in bed covered up to my eyeballs in the dark sleeping as many hours as possible pretending like my life isn’t falling apart between secret panic attacks and full out crying jags.

In public tho? I’m a BAWSE.

Cuz I’ve learned my whole life how to mask my way through, pretend to no end, fake it til I make it, try til I die. Everyone else everywhere else gets press down, shaken together, running over Kisha—the blessing, the go-to, the fixer, the solver, the solution, the literal gift of God to man in the earth. But closed door Kisha? Well.

This year, I’ve been much more honest about my struggles. I’m not on any ADHD meds currently (or ever, TBH), because for the most part, I have strategies for my dysregulations that I have perfected and adjusted over decades of being different. I know what triggers me, I’ve stopped masking in public so much when my tics flare up, I’ve learned to be done when I am truly done, I ask for help when I need help. I put systems in place to help me stay organized, and I’ve enlisted my husband to get housework done because I just can’t keep up anymore. I write things down. I have fidgets, and I don’t deny myself what I need in stressful moments trying to be fancy.

What I didn’t count on was the hormonal shifts that come with age and perimenopause. The fluctuations sent me into a tailspin I didn’t think I could recover from without spending some time institutionalized. Pray fully, I was able to drag myself out the hole. I’m a doctoral candidate, so my professors were really gracious and allowed me to get myself up to speed after I mustered up enough mental strength to see my PCP. I am now the proud owner of Lorazepam for emergencies, daily Lexapro for general anxiety, and a small firm dose of Wellbutrin for the glaze of depression. I’ve always had the Wellbutrin, but the combo shifted something in the noggin that cleared the fog big time. I’m not rage eating or depression squatting in the bed anymore. That’s a huge win.

Anyway, if you’re a woman with ADHD, just always check with you PCP and mental health care professional as you hit those major lady milestones—especially the ones that have to do with your hormonal imbalances… which is literally everything connected to the possibility of birthing children. The fog you feel may literally be the ADHD merging regular woman stuff into prolonged mental misery.

Take care of yourselves.

If you’re a guy reading this and you got this far:

Your wife/daughter/girlfriend/female family member may need more support than you’re giving. What you’re calling lazy? Sometimes—many times, it’s truly a brain drain. I promise you, there is nothing worse that living inside your own mind knowing what you ought to do, but not being able to get your brain to issue commands that activate action to the rest of you. I cannot explain the level of crazy you feel trying to negotiate with your own self to get up and do something. Anything. One thing that is constructive, knowing that if you could just get started, you’d get so much accomplished.

So be kind and helpful rather than mean-spirited and complaintful because that female human suddenly is inconveniencing you with her “troubles”.

K thanks byeeee.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: