“I stumbled on this photograph…”

Spencer and my feet making a cameo, circa 2010 or 2011

It’s at least 11 years old. We are in Memphis (coming from Chicago) probably on our way to pick up Pinky and the Brain. My feet are tucked under the pillow, and Spencer has put his whole big ole head on my feet. So I took a picture.

If you’d have seen our relationship in action? You’d think that we didn’t have one! We looked dry.

Spencer and I lived a public life that required a very specific kind of interaction from people. Now, I know you more saved and revelation filled saints of today don’t believe in ministerial performance, of minding your p’s and q’s in public because Jesus is for everybody and grace grace grace grace and you is who thou art or whatevs. You think you just suppose to act how you act and everybody just supposed to be cool with it cuz God is love but MY BIBLE don’t say that, it says to be able to be all things to all people and not to do what permissible cuz it’s not always expedient and that I shouldn’t be outchea having all this liberty but making other folks fall over cuz they still learning but you know y’all got the MESSAGE translation and the PASSION version. And that’s okay so don’t let ME hold you.

Anyway. OUR generations (a late boomer and late Gen X) were raised to have a public facing stance that shielded the inner workings of our private lives—ESPECIALLY if you were ministers. Therefore, we were “ON” 99% of the time we were outside. ESPECIALLY me, since I’m the saucier of the two!

When we were home? We would retreat into the silence of our respective rooms and close everything and everyone off for a while before coming together into one space. ESPECIALLY me, the more introverted of the two.

But when we came together for the shenanigans? Well. That’s the part that people couldn’t put they fingers on why we was even TOGETHER. 🤣🤭

I miss the mischief. Nothing like having a companion who gets your brand of debauchery—and the Lord is like, “Look at you foolish children. Good thing y’all MARRIED. 🙄” 😂😂😂😂 I mean. If you can’t kick it with your spouse, WHY IS YOU EVEN TOGETHER? I’m asking. Really. There was literally nobody else I’d rather spend time with than just the two of us. The kids ran a tight second but they have each other. 🤷🏾‍♀️ I miss the duck offs and the adventures and the sneaky sneaks and the inside jokes of it all. My feet are light as air! He had made the plans to get his other knee replaced so that he’d be mobile in May. We had PLANS. 🥲 His feet stayed as hot as mine to go do something different, see something new.


My FAVORITE times are the ones where I could go and lay my head on his head, his arm, his shoulder, his chest, his leg and just… be there. Or come in and force my way into a cuddle or shimmy into a random arm crevice for a while. Or stick my feet under his butt for warmth. OR when he would roll over and bear hug me, grabbing covers, pillows and all, phones flying. Or when he decided to remind me who REALLY had the upper hand because I am ticklish to the point of fighting. But his arms were REALLLLLY long, so. I’d lose. 😤

All in silence.

Author unknown

Some days. I MISS hearing him say, “what we eating?” Like I magically became the only one who knew how to cook after we got married.😒

Some days. I miss the text messages, “Going to Walgreens, want something?”
“Sprite. Mike n Ike’s.”
“Red dye.”
“Caramelos then. And Fritos.”

Or the ”we got tissue?”
“Hold on, sending a kid.”

Some days. I even MISS the yell from the other room:
“KISHA! KISHA! I know you hear me!”
“Come here.”
“OMG can you just text me I’m in the bathroom!”
“Ugh! Don’t forget to spray.”
“Shut. Up. Talkingtome.”

Married life certainly readjusts your ways of measuring love, I tell you what! (In my Hank Hill voice IYKYK).


I write these things because who can tell our story now except me?

And who can tell YOUR stories except you?

You have the right to grasp the joy that rests in the sorrow. You have permission from the Lord to think on whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report. You have the Lord’s requirement to be GRATEFUL for the things that HE HAS DONE—and aren’t all the wonderful times with your loved one things to be grateful for?

I write these things, not to make people feel bad or grievous but to remind you that GOD IS LOVE. And in His love, He is seated IN ETERNITY. That as he sits there? He sees everything all at once—is everywhere and in every time all at once. Now pay attention.

Everywhere GOD is? It is RIGHT NOW. There IS no past nor future. God IS, and therefore wherever HE is? The time is NOW. That means that the people you love (whom we believe they be returned unto God in rest) are also NOW.

And it is okay to speak of the love and the care and the goodness of God that you experienced with them. It makes them be present for us NOW, we who are yet bound by the net of grace called time (that’s a convo for another day).

So I share these things to make space for YOU to share your things, too. Too make it okay to cry and laugh at the same time. To make it okay to acknowledge the absence but to also remember the presence of the person you love without FEELING like you should be over something that is not meant for you to get OVER. God only asks us to walk THROUGH (Psalm 23:4).

You’re allowed to still love them, you know.

Back down memory lane,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s