I Just Can’t Give Up Now

ADHD and Depressive episodes are no joke, especially when they gang up on me.

I’ve been barely making it and pressing my way, denying to my youngest that I needed to sit down (she stay telling me go lay down and STAY down 🙄). Anyway, working my health back to an optimal level, dealing with the transition of working ALLLLL the time to barely working, facing the great expanse of uncertainty in front of me, and really reckoning with the broken places of my life and relationships… I started to do the thing. The thing were I close off in my perceived despair. The thing were I shut my mouth and in my crippled mind rehearse the words spoken at me and within me designed to slice my confidence up like daggers. Right underneath the surface, filleting me like some prosciutto. Not enough to kill me—just enough to paralyze me with stinging, accurately placed pain.

But this time. Well. This time was different. The little girl who put on the best face she could all her life until she couldn’t no more clawed her way out of the back corner of my soul and screamed at me. This time! Words of righteous indignation instead of self doubt.

“GIRL! Listennnnnn if you don’t get yourself up I suffered too long to sit up in here and let you stumble back down in here like this take a nap eat a snack and go DO WHAT THE LORD SAID TO DO BEFORE I TAKE US BOTH OUT and we gone head and see Jesus NEEEEEOOOOW. Cuz what we sitting here Fuh if not to DO THE THINGS?”

So. I got up TODAY. Busted attitude and all.

And in the midst of a full blown panic attack, I took some naps, ate some snacks, and started doing what God told me to do. One step, one crawl, one click, one second at a time (cuz one day at a time is toooo merch). Every song I ever sang as a kid flooded me until I could get myself in the right frame of mind: songs like “I don’t feel no ways tired”, “We have come this far by faith”, and “I’ve decided to make Jesus my choice”. I had to press my way into joy. Putting on the garment of praise, encouraging myself in the Lord, building myself up in my most holy faith…the CORE Kisha, who has been coming closer and closer to the surface to fullness of shalom because it’s starting to be safe now sat up and fought back against the waves of paralysis washing over me. And I stood in agreement with that testimony instead this time, limping and bleeding and cut up and afraid.

I STOOD up. And I STOOD there. And I am still standing, a little bent but nothing some engrafting won’t fix.

I’ve come too far to turn back now.

Folks will tell you the end—the part where everything worked out for the good and they prospered and the anointing was just a-flowing to empower them to do great things and allodat. And you need that encouragement. You need to see the MADE IT. But. You also need this kind. You need to see the MAKING IT. You need to know what it’s like, what’s happening in the heart in real time, so that you can see how the change really comes…one step, one stumble, one stand at a time.

You need to see honest Christianity.

I am praying for you as I pray for myself, that the word of God be made manifest in your life:

“For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness; giving thanks unto the Father, which hath made us meet to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light: who hath delivered us from the power of darkness, and hath translated us into the kingdom of his dear Son: in whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins:”

Colossians‬ ‭1:9-14‬ ‭KJV‬‬

In Jesus name. Press forward.

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