I cried tonight.
It has been a minute since I’ve cried. The rage has been too great. The need to control my emotional self has been too powerful. I tripped over my own haughtiness because I figured it was better than stumbling over offense.
See, I keep running up against my own expectations like walls of iron and concrete. You’d think I’d give up—and on some levels? I am. I HAVE. I DO. I be laboring into His rest something terrible trying not to fall to the fear and anger that crawls around in my chest and my throat.
But there is a long road to walk between Egypt and Canaan. Not because of the distance. No. Because of the mindset required to enter in. To cross over that one more river. Finally.
How’s the song go?
“God's got a way /that you can't go over / God's got a way / that you can't go under / God's got a way / that you can't go around /
You must come in at the door”
The mindset is the DOOR. Prayer is the KEY. But I’m starting to see that it isn’t faith that unlocks it; it’s the willingness to sacrifice, to crucify your flesh that unlocks it. It’s the will to die to yourself, to murk the false flags of feeling and forever and unforgiveness and self righteousness that pops that lock. The tho He slay mes and the neverthelesses. DEATH unlocks the door. And you can only get through it by dying.
Faith gives you the WILLINGNESS TO WALK THROUGH IT. The valley of the shadow of death or whatever David was talmbout.
Lord, fix my mind.